Today when Chris walked out the door to go to work... (yes, on Good Friday...) I burst into tears. I am done. Don't know exactly what has happened this week to completely undo me, but I just feel like I can't do it today. I am tired. I think weary is a better word... and there is no specific reason. That is frustrating, in and of itself, don't you think??? Nothing particularly bad has happened, but I still can't do it??? I. hate. that. Harper went to bed late, and was up at 6:45am screaming her head off. So, I did what every good mother would do... I left her, and didn't check on her and just let her cry, or rather, SCREAM.
Meanwhile, I am silently envying Chris who is leisurely taking a shower, picking out 'real clothes' (if you are a mom, you know what I mean by that...) brushing his teeth and preparing for a day of golf.... (oh, I mean, work....) all the while ignoring the screaming... because, after all, what can he do? He is about to walk out the door and if he tends to her, he's just going to pass her off to me when he leaves.....2 minutes later.
So, really, what else can I do... ???? Nothing... so I cried. I don't cry often, but today I cried, the ugly kind. My house is a wreck...it looks like a bomb went off, smells like dirty diapers and unfinished projects are everywhere... Do you know how annoying that is?
Some days I just want to move. Move to a new house, that includes all new furniture, an organizational system that is foolproof, even for a one year old, a maid....and a nanny, of course.
So, here's what I read from Streams in the Desert (and because I have no recollection of what the MLA says about titles of books, plus I don't know how to underline on Blogger, I am just going to put it in italics....)
"The very instant you wholeheartedly turn away from every symptom of discouragement and lack of trust, the blessed Holy Spirit will reawaken your faith and breathe God's divine strength into your soul. Initially you may be unaware that this is happening, but as you determine to uncompromisingly shun every attack of even the tendency toward doubt and depression, you will quickly see the powers of darkness being turned back.
Oh, if only our eyes could see the mighty armies of strength and power that are always behind our turning away from the hosts of darkness toward God, there would be no attention given to the efforts of our cunning Foe to distress, depress, or discourage us!"
Pretty perfect for today. It doesn't mean that I am past the point of tears at any moment...but it does give me some hope.
So, please excuse me if you see me making this face at any point today. Thanks.
2 comments:
Rest assured sweet Jamie that there are many moms out there who understand. My solution was always escape: pack the kids up, do a drive through breakfast and lunch if necessary and stay out at the park or a friend's house as long as possible. Then come home either in time for naps or for a very low key dinner and then bed. In the meantime, I am praying the Shalom peace of God for you and remember a good cry waters the soul!
I have no idea how that post managed to be encouraging, but it was! Hope is so much more powerful than we imagine it to be. I have no idea how you do all that you do, but please know that its an amazing privilege to watch. Thanks for being honest, and for sharing your hope. This is the hardest job we will ever do but we've got to hold on to the knowledge that we are not doing it alone.
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