This is the sound of marbles falling out of my ears. Yes, people, I am losing my marbles. It started as a slow leak...and between last night and today, they've started pouring out.
I am not sure if I am tired, hormonal, discouraged, or what... but something is going on in my head and it isn't great. I have no patience with Grace, most days I am just looking forward to naptime when I can have even 20 minutes of quiet. Although, lately they aren't napping at the same time, so I have to take care of some kind of need 24/7.
You all know that sickness of one kind or another has infested our house since before Harper was born, and I almost can't take it anymore. We have medical bills out the you-know-what, the insurance is a pain to deal with, our washing machine exploded, Chris has had 16 hockey games in Feb... among other things.... I feel like if something doesn't change, I will be getting sick and then our household will fall apart. I really think it is hormones, but I am not sure what to do about that either. Nothing I do can 'fix' what is going on here... I am praying about it, seeking God's peace, strength and guidance, and I feel like He's on vacation....Checked out for a little while, and I am just here treading water until He decides to return. I know that's not the case, but that's how I feel. Silence. No matter what I pray or how many verses I read, I am not encouraged and I certainly don't feel any sense that He is giving me strength. Even a few hours away from the kids hasn't done the trick. I am not really sure what to do.
We've had playdates, I've had time with gals in my bible study, Chris and I have had a little time together, we've been out of the house every day, I've had some time with friends...but no matter what i do, I can't feel refreshed. I just want to be refreshed... I just want to take a deep, cleansing breath and feel a weight lifted off my shoulders...No such luck...
So, that's basically it, I just need prayer I guess... well, maybe I just need people to pray for me, because praying for myself is currently not working.... (Gosh, I guess I'm looking at prayer as a quick-fix pill that will take effect in approximately 20-30 min; maybe I am wishing it were that way!)
Well, sorry to be such a downer, but I am not sure I've got enough energy to be happy, funny, or smiley today.... Maybe (hopefully) tomorrow I'll be back to my ole self...
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2 comments:
You need to come watch us play ultimate frisbee in the wee hours, that will at least have you laughing really stinking hard. Well, if you watch me and Songer anyway. Your husband is actually good.
I'm so sorry that things are hard right now friend. I can't tell you how much I admire your honesty in talking about something that so many mothers feel but are too afraid to admit to. It is also an amazing witness that in the midst of all of this difficulty you are still coming back to what you know (but don't necessarily feel right now) to be true. The only advice I would offer is this: Its OK to fall apart sometimes. God didn't give you the life and the family that he has given you because he had so much confidence in your ability to handle each situation perfectly. He gave them to you because he is good, because he is sovereign, and because of his confidence in HIS own ability to perfectly orchestrate seemingly impossible circumstances.
One of my favorite JJ Heller songs says, "You love in spite of us, You use the least of us to prove the strong aren't really strong at all." The point is not our self-sufficiency, it is His glory. Its hard for me to see my weakness as something that can be glorifying to God, but I'm starting to think it can be. If He had made me a little more able, a little more emotionally stoic, I might gain the respect and admiration of other sinful men, but I think I would also be much less likely to feel my need for Him so deeply.
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