I knew last night that my fuse was getting thin...Grace has gotten in the habit of staying up late, which is good for me in one sense because I get more morning sleep, but is bad in another because I don't have any time away from her unless I am asleep.
Last night I snapped at her... she was being loud, talking incessantly about God knows what and all I wanted to do was hear the glorious proposal that was about to take place on the Bachelorette. So I said... "Grace, would you just SHUT YOUR MOUTH!?" Well, that really did her in... I hurt her feelings more than I ever I have I think, her lip poked out and she melted into a puddle of tears. So after much apologizing and asking of forgiveness, she gave me a hug and said "OK, mommy" and everything was back to normal.
Today hasn't been much better. I just feel like I am at the end of myself, I have no patience, I am tired, about to burst into tears all the time, and am feeling so inadequate as a person and as a mother. So I took her to story time at the library. She usually loves that, so after a few temper tantrums trying to get out the door (which didn't help the patience issue) we made it. It went pretty well, but we decided to leave before the art project, which didn't really suit Grace. See, they were painting with this foam paint that stains everything and is made with some sort of indelible ink... and the outfit that she had on was really cute and I didn't want to ruin it... So I dragged her out the door.
Thinking that we had done something for her this morning, I thought it was time to do something for me. So we went to the Goodwill. Now, don't get me wrong, Grace loves shopping, so this wasn't torture for her by any stretch of the imagination. Armed with a few snacks and juice we started shopping. She wanted in the basket, out of the basket, she wanted to run in between all the clothes, play peek a boo and pick out everything... this was fine with me, at least she was entertained... then it happened....
Grace was running behind me with a bag full of Kix cereal in her hand... and somehow there was an explosion of Kix all over the Goodwill! Oh LORD... these little balls of cereal fun were strewn all over the floor in the main aisle! Without prompting, Grace bent down to starting cleaning up, which I was proud of her for... But she was eating every other one! Yes, off of the floor at the Goodwill! Even I think that is gross...but what could I do?... So she picked up and ate most of the kix off the floor.... Ok, you can turn me in to child services if you want... but it's been one of those days.
We finally made it home and I noticed the 30 gerbera daisy plants that I had planted earlier in the summer. I've been trying to water them, but it's been hard to remember lately. Today their foliage looked green and pretty healthy, but they were just dry (or tired) enough that they couldn't pop out a flower. I mean, that's how I feel!!!!! Now if I was smart I would hook up the automatic watering timer that would take care of all this for me, but I don't know how to do it, and my husband has just had a lot going on... but where's MY automatic watering timer?
In the few minutes of quiet that I had before grace wakes up again... I read these verses:
(these are from the new living translation)
"Yes, I will make springs in the desert, so that my chosen people can be refreshed."
"But now, listen to me, Jacob my servant, Israel my chosen one. The Lord who made you and helps you says: O Jacob, my servant, do not be afraid. O Israel my chosen one, do not fear. For I will give you abundant water to quench your thirst and to moisten your parched fields. And I will pour out my Spirit and my blessings on your children. The will thrive like watered grass, like willows on a riverbank."
Well, there it is... my automatic watering timer....I just find it comforting that in these verses God reminds me that He will take care of everything... that I don't have to be 'ON' all the time and that he will take care of my children... that they will thrive because HE will take care of them... so the pressure is off me. The only thing I am commanded to do in these verses is 'listen to Me,' 'do not be afraid' and 'do not fear.' He's got this one...I guess I need some rain and refreshing, but don't we all?