Wednesday, October 27, 2010

On peeing in a cup and princess costumes.

You can probably tell by the title of this post, I am about to get on my horse about something. Well, yes you are right, I am.

Let me start off with a simple question: Why in the H-E -double hockey sticks does the darn pediatrician require children out of diapers to pee in a cup??? I don't want some medical mumbo-jumbo about how they need to test for proteins, infections, etc... I. DON'T. CARE. Thank you very much. If my child had an infection, I, as the super mother that I am would be able to tell immediately, and at that point would bow in defeat and take my child in to pee in a cup. But until then... I don't think so.

Do you realize what a complete and utter disgusting debacle this turns out to be for the parent??? If not, let me give you a little run down. (Now, I am sure this only applies to parent's of girls...but, read on)....

Let's stop and pause for a second here and consider the location: Bathroom in a children's clinic. GROSS. Everyone and their mother (literally) RUNS there to puke or crap when they have the flu, which they are coming into the doctor's office to cure....

Kids, especially boys are not neat when they pee, and there are probably millions upon millions of disgusting pee particles from the sick and non sick alike floating uncontrollably around.... AND keep in mind that I also had a one year old in there with me, who is touching everything, and rolling on the floor.

Anyways, they give you these little OB wipes and you are supposed to wipe your child from front to back, twice...with a new wipe each time. THEN, is the child supposed to hold their own pee cup..... ???? I DON' THINK turn, that means I have to hold the cup!!!
Picture this....(Oh yes I am...)

A one year old laying prostrate on the bathroom floor, crawling around, licking the sink and yelling rhythmically because she likes the echo.

A 4 year old on the potty, trying to concentrate to pee, griping the seat of the germ infested toilet with all of her ever loving might.

Then there's ME holding a cup under the 4 year old...hand obviously in the toilet, 2 inches from the toilet water, trying to guess where the pee will actually land all the while not remembering that my long sleeve is DOWN and in the line of fire. Can we just mention that for girls, pee just kind of flies out willy nilly... no aim and splashes a lot. N.A.S.T.Y. But the only good thing about the situation is that at this particular moment, Harper is quiet and we are about to get this mother over with... UNTIL... the middle of the silent concentration, Harper decides to get up off of the floor and run full speed ahead INTO the bowl of the sink. She almost knocks her head completely off, and the screaming ensues (remember the echo)... and therefore sounds like a chorus of 10 children shreaking at the top of their lungs. I am still holding the cup, eyes closed, tense as a tight rope waiting for the inevitable, ignoring Harper because, what can I do, really... if I miss the pee...we are screwed.

NO Pee. The concentration is all thrown off now, and there's no way in H-E-double hockey sticks that she is going now. I am halfway hoping that they will feel sorry for me and tell me not to worry about it. Not so much.

We go back to the examination room and wait. The nurse gives her cup after cup of water....and asks us to try again. LOVELY. Repeat above scene, almost exactly, and no pee. Finally I ask them if we can just have the shots and at least get that over with.

Good.... now I am holding Grace down with all my might, while she screams, kicks the nurse and thrashes around uncontrollably. (I am not exaggerating...) We finally get 6 shots in her... 3 in each leg, the nurse promptly runs out and opens the sticker drawer and tells us we can get our own stickers before we go. Done and Done. We sprint out of the building before they realize that the pee cup is sitting empty on the counter. HA. No pee on me today, thank you very much.

Oh, and I bet you are wondering what the heck the princess costumes have to do with the situation... the girls were wearing them. Yes, out of the house, in the doctor's office. For the record, this is the first time in their entire lives that I have let them wear them in public. I know, I am in therapy about it...


pgwheeler said...

I am so very glad I never had to do that with a child. Next time ask for gloves and antiseptic wipes.
Hope you and the girls are doing okay.

The Mom said...

Hilarious. Loved it. Glad that somebody got to be a princess today!

Chelle said...

You've been tagged..head over to my blog

Katie said...

WHAT THE!!??!!
Why did Grace have to get so many shots? Why the peeing in the cup? Why the emotionally scarring experience for all three of you?