Thursday, December 4, 2008

Good News and Complete Honesty...

Let me start by telling you about the ultrasound. We saw a different doctor today, one that we'd never seen before and that had not seen any of our previous scans. She was very nice, and claimed to be the "Scientific One" in the group. She briefly looked at the heart and said that she didn't see anything wrong with it. She said that there was no fluid present today and that the heart was well within the size limits for the chest. Today it was measuring only about 26% of the chest size and it is 'allowed' to occupy up to 33%. While we were in the hospital, it was obvious that the heart was taking up at almost half of the chest, although they didn't give us a percentage at that time. And the fluid was present and measuring around 3-3.5 mm. The doctors had also told us that the enlarged heart would not 'shrink' per say... that the baby would grow with it, but that once it's enlarged, it won't 'go back down' (for lack of a better phrase).

I hesitate to be totally honest here, but who am I kidding... I have a hard time sugar coating things, and I tend to just spill it... Anyways, I am a little ashamed to say that my first thought wasn't "PRAISE THE LORD! HE HAS HEALED HER!" I was thinking a little more along the lines of "Doc, what is wrong with you? Are you crazy? Are you blowing us off? Did you go to med school?" I did ask if she would compare the scans that I had while in the hospital and the ones that I've had recently to see if there was indeed a difference. She said that she didn't have, and couldn't view the scans from the hospital, but based on what she'd seen here, she didn't think it was necessary. (This kind of annoyed me.)

I am having a hard time processing the news. When 2 doctors tells you that there is something wrong with your child's heart and that they are pretty concerned about it, and then all of a sudden, another doctor says there is nothing wrong... What am I am supposed to think? I was still processing that there was something wrong, but I had no idea that it would be this hard to process that she may be fine!

I am the kind of person who doesn't want to be let down. I like to think that I am prepared for things, good or bad. I don't like to be caught off guard or taken by surprise. And to be totally honest, I am AFRAID to totally believe that God healed her because I don't want to be let down if there actually is something wrong. Does that make sense? What if they see something totally different on Thursday when I go again? What if when she is born, her heart is indeed abnormal? Does that mean God didn't answer these prayers?

I wish I was full of 'holy wisdom' and had something profound to say... but I don't. I'm not sure what to ask for prayers for.... I am kind of embarrassed at the way I am feeling. Anyways, I guess just pray as the Spirit leads you. I really don't want to sound ungrateful in any way for what God is doing. I guess I can't even fathom what's going on right now.

Thank you so much for your prayers... They really are making a difference in our lives!


Bri said...

I can't imagine how worried and confused you are right now. I think all you can really do is trust in God's will, and I will pray for your strength.

Anonymous said...

Said it before, I'll say it again - I just love your honesty. And being honest is NOT going to offend God. He understands what you are feeling, and He understands exactly what is going on with baby girl's heart, lungs, hands, legs, toes and every single strand of hair on her head better than any doctor ever could. You have so much more wisdom than you realize and we are so thankful that you are willing to share what God is doing in you through this difficult experience.

courtney said...

I can completely understand what you are saying. I think that it is totally natural to be skeptical of doctors. They are human and fallible. But, the Father knows your daughter perfectly and completely, and I think from all you have written that you are resting in that knowledge. We're praying for perfect health and that this most recent ultrasound has revealed what is truly going on. We're especially praying for His perfect peace to fall upon you until you get to hold that sweet baby girl!!