Well, I couldn't think of another way to title the blog... because that phrase is all that's ringing in my head right now. What the heck is going on?
I've been frustrated by my ultrasounds for the past week because we really haven't been told anything... good or bad... about what the baby's looking like or what's going on with her. We have just been seeing the tech that does the ultrasound, and not one of the MFM doctors. I still haven't heard anything about my lab results from the hospital, and apparently the OB office doesn't know where they are either.... Remember, people, this was a KEY ingredient in figuring out if I should be induced, or if I should just be on bedrest until she comes on her own.
I just got a call from MFM saying that now we need to have consults with the MFM doctors after every ultrasound. In some ways this is a praise, because maybe they can tell us more what's going on... but on the other hand, I am worried that they've seen something more, or things are getting worse. I am not sure if someone dropped the ball and we should have been having consults all along, or if based on what they've seen on the last 4 ultrasounds, they now feel we need to be seen by the doctor twice a week.
I am so up in the air right now with my emotions..... At the moment, I am very frustrated and feel kind of helpless and in the dark...I have no idea what to feel one way or the other, and am just in an overall state of unrest.
I know that the devil is lurking around every corner to send frustration, doubt, discouragement and insecurity my way. I know in my head that I can resist the devil and he will flee from me...(James 4:7) but it's almost as if I don't have the strength to utter those words with conviction. I know that's just what Satan wants me to feel... so I'll say "Get behind me, Satan!"
I know in my head that I should not fear, that God is not in fear... God is with me, whom shall I fear? For me, all this uncertainty causes fear... if I had facts one way or the other, I feel like it would be easier for me to trust...that sounds silly, but for some reason that's how I think... maybe it's how we all think... it's so much easier to trust in something that is seen vs. something that is unseen...
I am just rambling here, forgive me. Let me try to get back on track here... This is something I read from the devotion book, "Streams in the Desert" by L.B. Cowman
"We often pray to be delivered from afflictions, and even trust God that we will be. But we do not pray for Him to make us what we should be while in the midst of the afflictions. Nor do we pray that we would be able to live within them, for however long they may last, in the complete awareness that we are held and sheltered by the Lord and can therefore continue within them without suffering any harm."
This opened my eyes. I haven't been praying that the Lord would make me a new person through this situation, I haven't been praying that I will live IN this situation in complete trust and awareness that I am HELD, and safe. My prayers (though somewhat few lately...) have been focused on getting OUT of this situation, one way or another.
If I believe that God is good all the time, and all the time, God is good... then I would truly be OK to rest in the situation where God has placed me. It is obviously His will for me to be in this very place for this very time... so why don't I pray for him to pour out His wisdom and truth on me in the midst of the mess? There may be so much I am missing by constantly trying to pray myself out of the situation.
The funny thing is that when I stop typing, look around the room, or think about talking to someone about this later, I am just fuming, frustrated and annoyed at what is going on... so even as I write these things, my mind is battling between believing what God is telling me and what Satan is telling me. Ahhhh!
I'm not really sure how to conclude, but again, thank you to everyone that is pouring into our family. It means the world to be surrounded and lifted up in prayer. Thank you for standing in the gap to pray these things for us when we are having a hard time praying them for ourselves. We have an OB appointment tomorrow and a MFM appointment on Thursday, so I'll update if anything changes... or simply when the mood strikes!